Diary of the Modern Man

Self Defense Situation


My arm around her waist, my hand around her neck, she is suspended in mid air. For a brief second she is flying, soaring on the clouds as she envisioned herself all along, one of the high and mighty, one of the righteous few to lead us out of conformity and into the loving embrace of chaos and nihilism.

Her face bloody and bruised is almost more attractive than it was before. The slight swelling has created a more symmetrical structure to her normally ogre like appearance. The sympathy one feels for the injured tends to lessen the sting of her hideous appearance, an appearance that causes men to shudder at the thought of intimacy with her. This is probably why even at a young age she knew molesting her younger sister was the only way she would experience sexual contact.

As her body hurls towards the earth, a slight outline of heat and fire surrounds her as if she is a shooting star. Shooting a star would be too easy, and I don’t carry a gun on me for this exact purpose. I’m not sure how I knew this would happen, but I just knew one day she would corner me in an alley and cause this beating to occur. Being 6’4”, the height from which I am hurling her will generate enough momentum that her body is sure to make a dent in the earth.

As she hits the ground her spine breaks. Her head completely disconnects from her neck and in a second her skull disintegrates on to the brick wall in front of us, leaving only teeth and skull fragments. Her body crumples in a mangled mess of bones, blood, and organs. I’m covered in human remains but the adrenaline flowing through my veins from being forced into a lethal self defense situation causes me to ignore any discomfort or disgust this may otherwise cause me.

The police pull up at this moment rushing to the scene, “Who are you? Tell us what happened here.” I tell them very calmly and straight forwardly, my name is Samuel Hyde and what happened here is that Lena Dunham put me into a self defense situation.



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